[It may be small, smaller than Claude and Hilda's even, and rundown but he doesn't spend much time in the apartment usually. If nothing else, though, it smells wonderful. Fresh and earthy from the strings tacked to the ceiling in a wide zig zag. Little bundles of herbs and flowers are tied at intervals to the string and Lorenz actually goes up on his toes to tug a knot free, dropping a small bundle of pine into his hands.]
Only your pajamas? That must have been a nightmare.
[It would be more of a nightmare for Lorenz but even Claude must have been disgruntled by that. Then again Claude also hardly seemed the type to sleep in a proper nightgown, either... No, best not to think about what Claude would sleep in at that point.
So about this indoor plumbing thing. This is magical. Filling a kettle without magic, right here in his apartment! Hah! While the kettle is heating though Lorenz does hover around the kitchen, hiding behind the little stretch of counter that serves as a bar and the closest thing to an actual dining area he has. Trading size for the large balcony at the corner of the building was absolutely worth it in his opinion. Even if it means they are perfectly able to carry on their conversation across the apartment.]
I truly owe Annette a great debt. She offered to get me a sunhat, lest I end up too badly burned, and somehow I ended up with a few other pieces as well. Nothing I'd dare wear out of the house but... [A little shrug. It makes laundry so much easier.]
[ While Lorenz is battling the sun, Claude is battling the cold, keeping his hands tucked inside the sleeves of his jacket. He normally doesn't wear it when he's out, satisfied with just the shirt underneath, but it's been getting cooler in the nights and he finds himself pulling it on whenever he wanders out of the depths of his bedroom. ]
That's sweet of her. But I think there's a clothing shop around now, you could probably purchase clothes if you need them.
[ Though hopefully they were normal clothes, considering that everything in this place seemed to take on a sexual twist. ]
You said you were taking up work at that cafe, weren't you?
There is, that's where we were able to get what I have... I simply haven't...
[Really been able to make enough money to have anything to spare after food. Though the whole sunflower collection thing has been a blessing.]
I have been able to earn a small amount at the cafe, yes, but until I can get the foolish dolls to follow my instruction on the proper methods of brewing tea I'm afraid business is... scarce.
[Ah speaking of tea. Lorenz has actually managed to find himself a tray to set out tea cups (coffee mugs, don't judge him) a teapot and sugar on. All of which gets slid onto the coffee table.]
It's not Almyran, these trees produce a sweeter needle, actually. You may want to taste it before you add sugar.
[While he was brewing it he also added a touch of citrus as well, sharp and bright and refreshing. Even with the warning, though, he still drops two sugars into his own cup before settling back on the opposite end of the couch. He savors that first sip, even if it isn't his favorite, but when he realizes that Claude has to pull his hands out of his sleeves to take the mug he smiles, amused, setting his cup back down to drag a soft throw blanket off the back of the couch.
A flick and it settles mostly over Claude, though he does, greedily, wiggle his feet under the edge of it. These pants are very lightweight and only come just past his knees. This is what he gets for being all legs. His ankles are cold.]
[ Claude accepts both the tea and the blanket with a small smile and a murmur of thanks, struck with the sheer impossibility of the situation. It's not as though him and Lorenz were unfamiliar with subpar lodging; the dormitories at Garreg Mach were adequate, but nothing in comparison to his room at the Riegan manor (and outright shoddy in comparison to his room at his father's palace). After the war they were even worse for wear, contending with dust, debris and all the other creatures that had taken refuge in the old sheets and shelves.
Still, they had never... cozied up like this. Even when they had discussions in his room or someone else's, Claude had no concept of physical closeness so he never sought it out, and neither had any of the other Deer. And they're still not touching, even now, but it's closer and more casual than Claude is familiar with, and it breeds a pit of uncertainty in his gut. He doesn't know what to make of being served the closest thing to his favourite blend of tea and being offering a blanket without asking.
He takes a sip—it is indeed sweeter, but he doesn't mind it. ]
When Hilda and I first arrived here, we noticed some discrepancies in our memories of Fódlan. [ Namely that Hilda was still in the throes of war, whereas Claude was at least a month beyond that. ] It made me wonder if we were the same versions of the people we knew back there, or if we'd been brought from alternate timelines as well. Just like the other ghosts we see here.
[The day Lorenz Hellman Gloucester hosts someone for tea and doesn't serve their absolute favorite is the day the world ends. He would not be caught dead serving someone a subpar blend. Even if he disagrees with the quality of that tea it's not for him. It's for his companion.
But the rest... is Lorenz actively trying to follow everyone's advice with one of the three (or is it four now?) people he feels comfortable being so vulnerable with. It's easier, focusing on tea and serving and not on the fact that he's not in his full suit or that it's improper to sit on the couch like this with his legs drawn up in front of him on the cushion. Little things that are a check on his defensive pride, a reminder not to -what had Constantin said?- be a "stick in the mud".
Claude's concerns... very abruptly make Lorenz' stomach drop. Instead of leaning to the side to pick up his mug he turns, unfolds from the comfortable ball he'd made of himself and instead sits up properly, perched on the edge of the couch, posture as perfectly straight as it would be if he'd still had his waistcoat on.]
I see. I suspect you are bringing this up, now, because you... feel I have been acting out of character?
[All the roiling anxiety that's been in his gut all day comes rushing back in and for a moment he fears he may actually be sick. Maybe he's jumping to conclusions. But it follows, logically, that one has to do with the other and oh but what a fool he is to think he could simply carry on as though nothing had changed.]
[ Out of character? He couldn't say. Even in normal circumstances, despite Claude's skill in reading and predicting the actions of others in the political arena, he still often falls short in more personal matters. And that's not even taking into account the fact that they've been transported into another dimension, and forced to live alongside people they'd killed mere months ago.
He'd only just begun to understand Lorenz when the war was coming to a close, he's in no place to judge what might be out of character. ]
I'm bringing this up because you said that you would sleep with me because of our friendship, and because I'm someone you trust.
[ He doesn't flinch despite the awkward and delicate subject matter, meeting Lorenz' eyes as calmly as ever. ]
When I might not be the same man that you fought the war with. Or the same version of him, whatever the case may be.
[He is very much not prepared for this conversation. Not that he's really prepared for any such conversation but looking at it with some twist that Claude's not actually Claude is an unsettling view on the whole thing. It's perfectly logical. Constance was their Constance, Ferdinand wasn't his Ferdinand (a fact he felt horrible being grateful for because at least it means Ferdinand is alive). But the idea that Claude and Hilda weren't-
It's the kind of horrible implications that make this place so much more awful. That he can't trust his memories or he can't trust his friends. The people that are most important to him being someone else entirely.
Claude may not flinch, saying such things, but Lorenz certainly does, violet gaze dropping immediately to his tea cup because he's honestly not sure he can have this conversation, consider all the greater implications of it, and still come out sane. He certainly can't look Claude in the eye and do it. And if he uses the opportunity to let his hair slide over his shoulder, to let him hide from the threat of those lovely green eyes then so be it. Call him a coward.]
Even if... that were the case. You're still... you. [His voice wavers, hands curling tightly around the mug in his hands. Trying his hardest not to let Claude's logic circles rattle him too much. Again he's likely jumping to conclusions but he cannot see anywhere else this conversation could be going.]
You know, you could have just told me no without... turning it into an existential crisis.
[ Claude's mouth twists down into a frown when Lorenz flinches away, desperately not wanting to be the source of such a reaction, and surprised that he even could be the cause.
He sighs, shaking his head. ] I'm just trying to have a discussion, it's not as easy as yes or no.
[ Though maybe it should be. All of the reasons that Lorenz had listed out in his letter, the characteristics of what he wanted in his first lover, were everything that Claude didn't. It was how he operated, offering carefully controlled bits and pieces of himself to whoever he met, but never the whole package. Sex was just a way to satisfy a physical urge, and he brought no more intimacy to it than one would a brothel. To indulge with someone who knew him, his ambitions, and who he'd have to face every day after unraveling in front of...
Just the thought brings a flush to his face, embarrassed and discomforted. ]
And I'm glad that you trust me, but I worry that you will regret it because you feel this place is forcing your hand. [ His eyes slip closed for a moment, rubbing a finger over his temple. ] you deserve to fall in love and have the experience that you've always wanted. Just because the nature of this island is challenging...
It was a perfectly reasonable way to approach it but it's so far out of Lorenz' comfort zone he's not sure how to even do that. It's why he'd written the letter in the first place. So he wouldn't have to find a way to organize the chaos of his thoughts when actually face to face with Claude.
He just needs to not panic and think things through and give a reasonable response. It shouldn't be that hard to keep his cool, he's gotten so much better at it over the years. But the one point that has always made him irrational is the man sitting beside him.]
Challenging?! [A sharp snap, followed by a scoff and the same disapproving sneer that he's hidden behind for far too many years now. He opens his mouth, frowns harder, snaps it shut again so hard his teeth click. A moment to try to swallow down whatever harsh, bitter thing he might have spit out and then he's standing abruptly.
He has two options. Be still or be quiet. If he's going to rein in his tongue he's going to do it while pacing, arms still wrapped tightly around himself, feeling so much more exposed standing here in his pajamas.]
Claude. I think you are discounting precisely how much thought I put into that letter. Of course this place is forcing my hand but I would much prefer to still have some measure of control. More than that-
[A huff, hand lifting to mimic the same motion Claude had just done, fingers pressed to his temple. Frustrated doesn't even begin to cover it.]
I'm hardly being deprived of some grandiose love story. I said I was waiting for marriage not for love. Things are... going to be different now, certainly. But if anything that's only more reason to use our positions to secure alliances and further support the work we've already done. There is no room in that for considerations of the heart.
[ The simplest way to soothe that anger and forge forward in this conversation is to probably tell Lorenz that he's scared. As someone that doesn't tangle sex with emotion, he's scared of what might happen if the two were to mix, and if he were to open himself up to being seen in that way. Claude hardly knows how to make friends much less hold onto them, and if things were to grow awkward or messy because of a misstep—he just wants things to remain as they are. Or at least to feel certain that nothing would sour because of this, and given the way things are already souring he doesn't have much faith.
But he can't outright dismiss the proposal. Whether it's because he doesn't want to let Lorenz down when he's in need, or because somehow, despite his anxiety, he wonders if it might actually be wonderful to be with someone who knows him, he's not sure. But he's willing to wait it out and find out. ]
I don't doubt the amount of thought you put into your letter, Lorenz. But you did have at least a page to express yourself and your thoughts, so I think I'm allowed to voice some of my own.
[ He doesn't move, still calm though similarly frustrated. ]
Or is the only input I'm allowed is whether I'm in or out? [ He keeps his gaze on Lorenz, following him regardless of where he moves. ] And while I appreciate your ability to put words on paper, sex isn't something done through pages—well, at least not the kind you proposed.
[ Swirling his tea around his cup, he looks away for a moment to look down, contemplative. ]
If you can hardly stand to discuss it with me now, how am I supposed to expect the actual event to go?
[He frowns, actually looking up, regret clear in his expression. Of course Claude was allowed to have input, that wasn't-
But Claude continues speaking and it's so infuriatingly calm and rational when he feels like he's fraying apart at the seams that he wants to be upset with him. He keeps moving, as though somehow if he continues to pace along the short distance between his counter and his couch he might be able to stop himself from unraveling.
It doesn't make him feel any less like he's going to cry when confronted with the simple reality of it all, laid out so neatly and for a moment he hates Claude for being able to sit there so unaffected as though none of this mattered anymore than a meeting over supply routes or patrol schedules.
One more loop so he has a moment to try to steady himself enough to actually say something meaningful for once. Finally he stops, standing at the end of the couch opposite Claude and he has to admit defeat, tugging his sleeve down to dab at the corner of his eyes and shaking his head in disgust at himself.]
I don't know how to talk about things like this, Claude. [Goddess, he hates how pathetic he sounds.] You're right, though. I'm trying really hard not to be defensive but-
I'm scared...
[A deep breath, staring at the ceiling, forcing a fragile smile onto his face though that will help him fight back the level of emotion he's so unused to anyone other than his journal seeing. Maybe it does, in some way, because his voice is steadier when he speaks again.]
I am, alright? I'm afraid of what might happen if you did agree to this madness and I'm- [A momentary wobble that he has to breathe through to keep that tenuous hold on himself.] terrified of what might happen here if you don't.
[And with that, most hideously embarrassing and demeaning of confessions, he finally sinks back down to the couch, just a little closer to Claude than he had been earlier, hands shaking and jaw clenched, angry at himself and this place and Claude and just as upset with it all as well.]
[ Claude doesn't want to let Lorenz down. Not as a leader, or even as an act of charity, but Lorenz is one of his friends. One of his brothers in arms, and he doesn't want to see him struggle unnecessarily. But while he's skilled at navigating difficult conversations at the Alliance Roundtable, at parsing through thick documents about politics, and anticipating the movements of his opponents in war, he doesn't possess the same level of insight into other people's hearts. He'd grown up alone, bearing no close connections until he'd met their Professor at Garreg Mach, and for the first time in a long time he finds himself wishing he had her guidance still.
They may have fought and won a war, but they're still so clumsy.
His expression is pinched when Lorenz sits back down, torn over the sheen in his eyes and the rare, upset colour that's flooded his face. Sitting up and leaning forward, he sets a hand on his knee, a careful offering of comfort. ]
I don't want you to be scared. You know yourself best, Lorenz, and if you think this is what's best for you, and if it'll make you feel a little more comfortable, a little safer, then I'm happy to accept your offer.
[ He will be, despite his own fears and concerns, he couldn't leave Lorenz to suffer.
But he's still not sure he believes it, and he draws back, taking a drink from his cup and sighing. ]
But I hope you understand where my concerns come from. I don't want to be part of something that ends up being a regret. It's… difficult to be with someone that doesn't actually want you, who's only doing it for lack of any better option.
[The touch surprises him, something that he wouldn't expect from Claude. From... probably any other Deer, save Lysithea, but not Claude, not when it's something serious. And doesn't that just sum up the entire situation perfectly.
Lorenz catches his hand, briefly. A squeeze, maybe a tad too hard, grateful for the reassurance. Fingers loosening in surprise when Claude actually says he'd accept, violet eyes snapping open wide and turning to look at his friend before he can even register the reality of those words enough to turn scarlet. It happens almost immediately though, the splotchy pink of restrained emotion quickly overtaken by bright, burning scarlet.
It's not until Claude starts speaking again that he finally looks away, horrified all over again at how easily he gets so flustered.]
Claude... [He lifts his hands, pressing his fingers over his cheeks, grateful for the chill so he can try to quell some of the heat in his face. A steadying breath, a glance over at the other man and this time the smile isn't quite so fragile, though it is very wry.]
doesn't actually want you [Muttered softly under his breath, shaking his head. He keeps an eye on Claude, watching him through a sideways glance, but at this point is there really anything more embarrassing than what he's already said and done?]
I thought you were supposed to be a genius? [A huff of amusement.] ... haven't you ever heard of pulling pigtails?
[ Well, embarrassed is better than upset, and if they're going to segue into another topic, Claude isn't going to refuse.
Even if he's not entirely sure where Lorenz is headed with this. ]
I don't think I ever called myself that seriously. [ His expression is pinched, the same grimace he gets whenever someone refers to him as the "Master Tactician".
He's clever, bred to survive after years of trials, and he's lucky that it's made him hardy, but he doesn't have the temperament to boast about all that's made him the way he is. ]
But I'm familiar with the term. It's a tactic children use to get attention.
For all his embarrassment and emotion Lorenz honestly just turns to look at Claude absolutely dumbstruck for a moment. An expression that quickly morphs into suspicion only for that too to be discarded. They've been brutally honest with one another so far, there's absolutely no reason to play dumb now.
Which means... he honestly doesn't get it.]
Claude. It's no secret that my father expected me to spy on you when we were at the academy. You know that. I was hardly subtle.
[He's trying not to sound exasperated or amused, just... factual. But he's pretty sure it's not working.]
It would have been far easier to get information from you if I'd been at least friendly. That- You honestly never thought-
You weren't subtle. [ Claude can agree with that much. Not that it made it any less frustrating.
He didn't mind the challenge that Lorenz presented, or the way he would debate with him, but Claude didn't appreciate people poking into his business even on a casual basis, and he appreciated the Gloucesters pointed digging even less. Even though he was fairly confident that his past wouldn't be uncovered, it was still something that he couldn't dismiss. Not when he'd first arrived, and couldn't be certain what he was dealing with.
Another weight among the secrets he carried.
But there's no point in lamenting the past now, he keeps in the present, unsure of what Lorenz is trying to achieve, cocking his head as he looks back at him. ]
And it's because of that lack of subtlety that you never would've been able to fool me with a friendly act anyway.
[ It also would've been a much crueler ploy, and all of Claude's nightmares come to life. The idea that someone would only be kind to him with the intention of betraying him in the end. ]
[Well at least it's hard to be too embarrassed when faced with such absolute ignorance. How was this man their leader, again?
Lorenz just groans, burying his face in his hands for a moment in miserable disbelief. He's going to have to just... say it. Either Claude's a better actor than even he gave him credit for and it is just a ploy to make him say it or-
Flames but if he is really that clueless it... it's kind of cute.
Lorenz takes a deep breath, looks up at him again, finally shifting a little on the couch so he's sort of facing the other man. He doesn't mean to sound patronizing but he does lead into the next logical steps Claude should be taking with slow words, not unlike leading a student to the correct answer.]
And... if I'd let you be nice to me... [A significant pause. Come on, Claude. One last little logic leap.] ... It would have made the crush I had on you so much worse.
[ Claude's mind often goes in several directions at once when he's trying to piece together a puzzle or a mystery, but he can say with a certain amount of confidence and that no direction would've taken him to that conclusion.
He's silent for a moment, staring at Lorenz as if waiting for a punchline but... that's it.
... That's it? ]
Your— [ He chokes over the word, nearly spilling his tea as he sits up, his face the perfect picture of dumbfounded disbelief. ] Your crush?
[ He can see a little why Lorenz seemed so disbelieving over Claude's cluelessness, it's kind of incredible that he didn't notice something so contrary to the fundamental truths that he's carried with him all these years. The knowledge that Lorenz didn't like him, didn't trust him, would've preferred if he disappeared back into the ether from which he'd appeared.
It's still difficult to wrap his head around, and he slumps back into his seat once the initial shock fades, looking somewhat... impressed, if a little dazed. ]
I see. I suppose you're a better actor than I gave you credit for.
[Oh it's certainly true that, in those days, Claude being swallowed up by the same forces that had brought him into Lorenz' life would have made things so much less complicated. But even then he hadn't been able to fully commit himself to Claude's absence? Destruction? Certainly not what his father had wanted.
Lorenz needed to not like him, though. So he consistently antagonized him but even with that he could only provoke him so much and the fact that Claude had been able to be so blasé about the whole thing had only made it worse.]
I think it was less acting and more lying to myself as much as you... I, honestly, thought you knew.
[Clearly he'd been mistaken. And now that has him blushing all over again, scrambling to find some sort of rationale before Claude could ask him any more questions.]
I don't think I knew nearly enough about you to have had more than a passing thought... most of the time... In so many ways you were everything I should have hated.
[Softer, then, a quiet melancholy in his words.]
Everything I couldn't have... or be.
[He shrugs a little, almost dismissive. Claude was stunning, sure, but Lorenz had not known him well enough to say that he liked him for his own merits and not just traits he'd assigned to him when they were so young and he was still so foolish. Actually getting to know Claude and become his friend was far more worthwhile than a stupid puppy crush but... it had certainly been there.]
[ If the idea that Lorenz could've had feelings for him was difficult to believe, the thought that he might be envious of him is even harder to understand.
Well—no, that's not entirely true. He could imagine Lorenz being envious that Claude had what he didn't: an undeniable claim to leading the Alliance. But what it sounds like is that he envied more was who Claude was as a person. Or at least, whatever it was that Lorenz imagined him to be.
He's not really flattered by the revelation—because after all, if Lorenz really knew the truth about who he was, there is the chance that he might take back all of his kind words and sentiments—but it does force him to rethink how he views Lorenz and his priorities. Hardship is not a competition, and Claude isn't going to dismiss the trials of his colleagues born into nobility simply because of their privilege. Maybe his friend was more burdened than he appeared.
Something to think about, he supposes. ]
So… [ He takes a sip of his tea, giving Lorenz an innocent smile. ] Could this entire thing simply be that you want to sleep with me as a favour to your lovelorn, teenage self?
[What he envied then, and still did in some ways, was the very same thing he'd said made him stand out as a leader. Regardless of how awkward he could be personally (clearly) people listened to Claude, people liked him, he was a good leader and it was practically effortless. He might not realize how many of those smiles were fake but he'd at least seemed happy enough back then. Even carefree... while Lorenz was incapable of having a single interaction with someone without calculating the worth and merit of every moment spent.
Moments like those he's been able to indulge in here? Simply existing in another's company without those endless calculations that Claude could mask and he never could... it's all new and strange. But it also makes things like this a little bit easier. Like recognizing the mischief inherent in any innocent look Claude has ever given in his life.
Lorenz scoffs and rolls his eyes.] Don't flatter yourself. I can always ask Ferdinand...
[But could he really? Knowing what his fate had been? Knowing how dedicated to Edelgard he was?]
No, it's not. That was a long time ago. I just...didn't want you thinking it would be some sort of hardship. [Ah, and there's the blush back.]
Ferdinand? [ Claude's eyebrows go up in interest. Admittedly, he hadn't considered sleeping with any of their former classmates from Garreg Mach, but thinking about it now, it's probably logical to seek out someone familiar.
He kind of wants to press the subject, peel out a bit of a gossip to see who might sleep with who. (If Claude had to pick, his choices would be Raphael or Leonie.) But considering how many of these familiar faces they'd recently slain on the battlefield, it feels like it would be in bad taste.
Instead, he just sips his tea. ]
That's right, you were good friends. [ Back when they were allowed such things. ] You don't think it would be difficult?
[ He meets Lorenz' gaze, looking again as though he's assessing something. ]
To cross that line with a friend and then continue on as though nothing had changed?
[ He's sure that he could do it, as could Hilda. But Lorenz... ]
[The way he repeats the redhead's name alone is enough to have Lorenz' face burning scarlet again and he very nearly buries his face in his hands. Something that contradicts the look in his eyes when Claude asks about the difficulty of such a thing. His thought, first and foremost, is how much potential there is for them to possibly hurt one another. He can't imagine going to him, knowing the Emperor was a couple rooms away. Letting his guard down enough to... do something so intimate.
But at the same time just being able to see him again had nearly been enough to bring him to tears, to throw propriety out the window just to be able to hug him again. There's such a huge divide, on a fundamental level of principle, he cannot really give Ferdinand the kind of trust that would be needed for something like that.]
As though nothing changed? I don't know that I could do that. But I don't see why sharing something like that would be anything other than a way to strengthen that kind of bond... deepen trust, I should think?
[A slight grimace, he hated how much thinking of Ferdinand here just hurt.]
Which, I suppose... is why I didn't honestly even consider Ferdinand until just now. Much as I would like to trust him...
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Only your pajamas? That must have been a nightmare.
[It would be more of a nightmare for Lorenz but even Claude must have been disgruntled by that. Then again Claude also hardly seemed the type to sleep in a proper nightgown, either... No, best not to think about what Claude would sleep in at that point.
So about this indoor plumbing thing. This is magical. Filling a kettle without magic, right here in his apartment! Hah! While the kettle is heating though Lorenz does hover around the kitchen, hiding behind the little stretch of counter that serves as a bar and the closest thing to an actual dining area he has. Trading size for the large balcony at the corner of the building was absolutely worth it in his opinion. Even if it means they are perfectly able to carry on their conversation across the apartment.]
I truly owe Annette a great debt. She offered to get me a sunhat, lest I end up too badly burned, and somehow I ended up with a few other pieces as well. Nothing I'd dare wear out of the house but... [A little shrug. It makes laundry so much easier.]
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That's sweet of her. But I think there's a clothing shop around now, you could probably purchase clothes if you need them.
[ Though hopefully they were normal clothes, considering that everything in this place seemed to take on a sexual twist. ]
You said you were taking up work at that cafe, weren't you?
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[Really been able to make enough money to have anything to spare after food. Though the whole sunflower collection thing has been a blessing.]
I have been able to earn a small amount at the cafe, yes, but until I can get the foolish dolls to follow my instruction on the proper methods of brewing tea I'm afraid business is... scarce.
[Ah speaking of tea. Lorenz has actually managed to find himself a tray to set out tea cups (coffee mugs, don't judge him) a teapot and sugar on. All of which gets slid onto the coffee table.]
It's not Almyran, these trees produce a sweeter needle, actually. You may want to taste it before you add sugar.
[While he was brewing it he also added a touch of citrus as well, sharp and bright and refreshing. Even with the warning, though, he still drops two sugars into his own cup before settling back on the opposite end of the couch. He savors that first sip, even if it isn't his favorite, but when he realizes that Claude has to pull his hands out of his sleeves to take the mug he smiles, amused, setting his cup back down to drag a soft throw blanket off the back of the couch.
A flick and it settles mostly over Claude, though he does, greedily, wiggle his feet under the edge of it. These pants are very lightweight and only come just past his knees. This is what he gets for being all legs. His ankles are cold.]
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Still, they had never... cozied up like this. Even when they had discussions in his room or someone else's, Claude had no concept of physical closeness so he never sought it out, and neither had any of the other Deer. And they're still not touching, even now, but it's closer and more casual than Claude is familiar with, and it breeds a pit of uncertainty in his gut. He doesn't know what to make of being served the closest thing to his favourite blend of tea and being offering a blanket without asking.
He takes a sip—it is indeed sweeter, but he doesn't mind it. ]
When Hilda and I first arrived here, we noticed some discrepancies in our memories of Fódlan. [ Namely that Hilda was still in the throes of war, whereas Claude was at least a month beyond that. ] It made me wonder if we were the same versions of the people we knew back there, or if we'd been brought from alternate timelines as well. Just like the other ghosts we see here.
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But the rest... is Lorenz actively trying to follow everyone's advice with one of the three (or is it four now?) people he feels comfortable being so vulnerable with. It's easier, focusing on tea and serving and not on the fact that he's not in his full suit or that it's improper to sit on the couch like this with his legs drawn up in front of him on the cushion. Little things that are a check on his defensive pride, a reminder not to -what had Constantin said?- be a "stick in the mud".
Claude's concerns... very abruptly make Lorenz' stomach drop. Instead of leaning to the side to pick up his mug he turns, unfolds from the comfortable ball he'd made of himself and instead sits up properly, perched on the edge of the couch, posture as perfectly straight as it would be if he'd still had his waistcoat on.]
I see. I suspect you are bringing this up, now, because you... feel I have been acting out of character?
[All the roiling anxiety that's been in his gut all day comes rushing back in and for a moment he fears he may actually be sick. Maybe he's jumping to conclusions. But it follows, logically, that one has to do with the other and oh but what a fool he is to think he could simply carry on as though nothing had changed.]
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He'd only just begun to understand Lorenz when the war was coming to a close, he's in no place to judge what might be out of character. ]
I'm bringing this up because you said that you would sleep with me because of our friendship, and because I'm someone you trust.
[ He doesn't flinch despite the awkward and delicate subject matter, meeting Lorenz' eyes as calmly as ever. ]
When I might not be the same man that you fought the war with. Or the same version of him, whatever the case may be.
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It's the kind of horrible implications that make this place so much more awful. That he can't trust his memories or he can't trust his friends. The people that are most important to him being someone else entirely.
Claude may not flinch, saying such things, but Lorenz certainly does, violet gaze dropping immediately to his tea cup because he's honestly not sure he can have this conversation, consider all the greater implications of it, and still come out sane. He certainly can't look Claude in the eye and do it. And if he uses the opportunity to let his hair slide over his shoulder, to let him hide from the threat of those lovely green eyes then so be it. Call him a coward.]
Even if... that were the case. You're still... you. [His voice wavers, hands curling tightly around the mug in his hands. Trying his hardest not to let Claude's logic circles rattle him too much. Again he's likely jumping to conclusions but he cannot see anywhere else this conversation could be going.]
You know, you could have just told me no without... turning it into an existential crisis.
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He sighs, shaking his head. ] I'm just trying to have a discussion, it's not as easy as yes or no.
[ Though maybe it should be. All of the reasons that Lorenz had listed out in his letter, the characteristics of what he wanted in his first lover, were everything that Claude didn't. It was how he operated, offering carefully controlled bits and pieces of himself to whoever he met, but never the whole package. Sex was just a way to satisfy a physical urge, and he brought no more intimacy to it than one would a brothel. To indulge with someone who knew him, his ambitions, and who he'd have to face every day after unraveling in front of...
Just the thought brings a flush to his face, embarrassed and discomforted. ]
And I'm glad that you trust me, but I worry that you will regret it because you feel this place is forcing your hand. [ His eyes slip closed for a moment, rubbing a finger over his temple. ] you deserve to fall in love and have the experience that you've always wanted. Just because the nature of this island is challenging...
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It was a perfectly reasonable way to approach it but it's so far out of Lorenz' comfort zone he's not sure how to even do that. It's why he'd written the letter in the first place. So he wouldn't have to find a way to organize the chaos of his thoughts when actually face to face with Claude.
He just needs to not panic and think things through and give a reasonable response. It shouldn't be that hard to keep his cool, he's gotten so much better at it over the years. But the one point that has always made him irrational is the man sitting beside him.]
Challenging?! [A sharp snap, followed by a scoff and the same disapproving sneer that he's hidden behind for far too many years now. He opens his mouth, frowns harder, snaps it shut again so hard his teeth click. A moment to try to swallow down whatever harsh, bitter thing he might have spit out and then he's standing abruptly.
He has two options. Be still or be quiet. If he's going to rein in his tongue he's going to do it while pacing, arms still wrapped tightly around himself, feeling so much more exposed standing here in his pajamas.]
Claude. I think you are discounting precisely how much thought I put into that letter. Of course this place is forcing my hand but I would much prefer to still have some measure of control. More than that-
[A huff, hand lifting to mimic the same motion Claude had just done, fingers pressed to his temple. Frustrated doesn't even begin to cover it.]
I'm hardly being deprived of some grandiose love story. I said I was waiting for marriage not for love. Things are... going to be different now, certainly. But if anything that's only more reason to use our positions to secure alliances and further support the work we've already done. There is no room in that for considerations of the heart.
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But he can't outright dismiss the proposal. Whether it's because he doesn't want to let Lorenz down when he's in need, or because somehow, despite his anxiety, he wonders if it might actually be wonderful to be with someone who knows him, he's not sure. But he's willing to wait it out and find out. ]
I don't doubt the amount of thought you put into your letter, Lorenz. But you did have at least a page to express yourself and your thoughts, so I think I'm allowed to voice some of my own.
[ He doesn't move, still calm though similarly frustrated. ]
Or is the only input I'm allowed is whether I'm in or out? [ He keeps his gaze on Lorenz, following him regardless of where he moves. ] And while I appreciate your ability to put words on paper, sex isn't something done through pages—well, at least not the kind you proposed.
[ Swirling his tea around his cup, he looks away for a moment to look down, contemplative. ]
If you can hardly stand to discuss it with me now, how am I supposed to expect the actual event to go?
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But Claude continues speaking and it's so infuriatingly calm and rational when he feels like he's fraying apart at the seams that he wants to be upset with him. He keeps moving, as though somehow if he continues to pace along the short distance between his counter and his couch he might be able to stop himself from unraveling.
It doesn't make him feel any less like he's going to cry when confronted with the simple reality of it all, laid out so neatly and for a moment he hates Claude for being able to sit there so unaffected as though none of this mattered anymore than a meeting over supply routes or patrol schedules.
One more loop so he has a moment to try to steady himself enough to actually say something meaningful for once. Finally he stops, standing at the end of the couch opposite Claude and he has to admit defeat, tugging his sleeve down to dab at the corner of his eyes and shaking his head in disgust at himself.]
I don't know how to talk about things like this, Claude. [Goddess, he hates how pathetic he sounds.] You're right, though. I'm trying really hard not to be defensive but-
I'm scared...
[A deep breath, staring at the ceiling, forcing a fragile smile onto his face though that will help him fight back the level of emotion he's so unused to anyone other than his journal seeing. Maybe it does, in some way, because his voice is steadier when he speaks again.]
I am, alright? I'm afraid of what might happen if you did agree to this madness and I'm- [A momentary wobble that he has to breathe through to keep that tenuous hold on himself.] terrified of what might happen here if you don't.
[And with that, most hideously embarrassing and demeaning of confessions, he finally sinks back down to the couch, just a little closer to Claude than he had been earlier, hands shaking and jaw clenched, angry at himself and this place and Claude and just as upset with it all as well.]
Even if you did I don't know if I could do it.
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They may have fought and won a war, but they're still so clumsy.
His expression is pinched when Lorenz sits back down, torn over the sheen in his eyes and the rare, upset colour that's flooded his face. Sitting up and leaning forward, he sets a hand on his knee, a careful offering of comfort. ]
I don't want you to be scared. You know yourself best, Lorenz, and if you think this is what's best for you, and if it'll make you feel a little more comfortable, a little safer, then I'm happy to accept your offer.
[ He will be, despite his own fears and concerns, he couldn't leave Lorenz to suffer.
But he's still not sure he believes it, and he draws back, taking a drink from his cup and sighing. ]
But I hope you understand where my concerns come from. I don't want to be part of something that ends up being a regret. It's… difficult to be with someone that doesn't actually want you, who's only doing it for lack of any better option.
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Lorenz catches his hand, briefly. A squeeze, maybe a tad too hard, grateful for the reassurance. Fingers loosening in surprise when Claude actually says he'd accept, violet eyes snapping open wide and turning to look at his friend before he can even register the reality of those words enough to turn scarlet. It happens almost immediately though, the splotchy pink of restrained emotion quickly overtaken by bright, burning scarlet.
It's not until Claude starts speaking again that he finally looks away, horrified all over again at how easily he gets so flustered.]
Claude... [He lifts his hands, pressing his fingers over his cheeks, grateful for the chill so he can try to quell some of the heat in his face. A steadying breath, a glance over at the other man and this time the smile isn't quite so fragile, though it is very wry.]
doesn't actually want you [Muttered softly under his breath, shaking his head. He keeps an eye on Claude, watching him through a sideways glance, but at this point is there really anything more embarrassing than what he's already said and done?]
I thought you were supposed to be a genius? [A huff of amusement.] ... haven't you ever heard of pulling pigtails?
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Even if he's not entirely sure where Lorenz is headed with this. ]
I don't think I ever called myself that seriously. [ His expression is pinched, the same grimace he gets whenever someone refers to him as the "Master Tactician".
He's clever, bred to survive after years of trials, and he's lucky that it's made him hardy, but he doesn't have the temperament to boast about all that's made him the way he is. ]
But I'm familiar with the term. It's a tactic children use to get attention.
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Claude
For all his embarrassment and emotion Lorenz honestly just turns to look at Claude absolutely dumbstruck for a moment. An expression that quickly morphs into suspicion only for that too to be discarded. They've been brutally honest with one another so far, there's absolutely no reason to play dumb now.
Which means... he honestly doesn't get it.]
Claude. It's no secret that my father expected me to spy on you when we were at the academy. You know that. I was hardly subtle.
[He's trying not to sound exasperated or amused, just... factual. But he's pretty sure it's not working.]
It would have been far easier to get information from you if I'd been at least friendly. That- You honestly never thought-
Claude
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He didn't mind the challenge that Lorenz presented, or the way he would debate with him, but Claude didn't appreciate people poking into his business even on a casual basis, and he appreciated the Gloucesters pointed digging even less. Even though he was fairly confident that his past wouldn't be uncovered, it was still something that he couldn't dismiss. Not when he'd first arrived, and couldn't be certain what he was dealing with.
Another weight among the secrets he carried.
But there's no point in lamenting the past now, he keeps in the present, unsure of what Lorenz is trying to achieve, cocking his head as he looks back at him. ]
And it's because of that lack of subtlety that you never would've been able to fool me with a friendly act anyway.
[ It also would've been a much crueler ploy, and all of Claude's nightmares come to life. The idea that someone would only be kind to him with the intention of betraying him in the end. ]
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[Well at least it's hard to be too embarrassed when faced with such absolute ignorance. How was this man their leader, again?
Lorenz just groans, burying his face in his hands for a moment in miserable disbelief. He's going to have to just... say it. Either Claude's a better actor than even he gave him credit for and it is just a ploy to make him say it or-
Flames but if he is really that clueless it... it's kind of cute.
Lorenz takes a deep breath, looks up at him again, finally shifting a little on the couch so he's sort of facing the other man. He doesn't mean to sound patronizing but he does lead into the next logical steps Claude should be taking with slow words, not unlike leading a student to the correct answer.]
And... if I'd let you be nice to me... [A significant pause. Come on, Claude. One last little logic leap.] ... It would have made the crush I had on you so much worse.
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He's silent for a moment, staring at Lorenz as if waiting for a punchline but... that's it.
... That's it? ]
Your— [ He chokes over the word, nearly spilling his tea as he sits up, his face the perfect picture of dumbfounded disbelief. ] Your crush?
[ He can see a little why Lorenz seemed so disbelieving over Claude's cluelessness, it's kind of incredible that he didn't notice something so contrary to the fundamental truths that he's carried with him all these years. The knowledge that Lorenz didn't like him, didn't trust him, would've preferred if he disappeared back into the ether from which he'd appeared.
It's still difficult to wrap his head around, and he slumps back into his seat once the initial shock fades, looking somewhat... impressed, if a little dazed. ]
I see. I suppose you're a better actor than I gave you credit for.
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Lorenz needed to not like him, though. So he consistently antagonized him but even with that he could only provoke him so much and the fact that Claude had been able to be so blasé about the whole thing had only made it worse.]
I think it was less acting and more lying to myself as much as you... I, honestly, thought you knew.
[Clearly he'd been mistaken. And now that has him blushing all over again, scrambling to find some sort of rationale before Claude could ask him any more questions.]
I don't think I knew nearly enough about you to have had more than a passing thought... most of the time... In so many ways you were everything I should have hated.
[Softer, then, a quiet melancholy in his words.]
Everything I couldn't have... or be.
[He shrugs a little, almost dismissive. Claude was stunning, sure, but Lorenz had not known him well enough to say that he liked him for his own merits and not just traits he'd assigned to him when they were so young and he was still so foolish. Actually getting to know Claude and become his friend was far more worthwhile than a stupid puppy crush but... it had certainly been there.]
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Well—no, that's not entirely true. He could imagine Lorenz being envious that Claude had what he didn't: an undeniable claim to leading the Alliance. But what it sounds like is that he envied more was who Claude was as a person. Or at least, whatever it was that Lorenz imagined him to be.
He's not really flattered by the revelation—because after all, if Lorenz really knew the truth about who he was, there is the chance that he might take back all of his kind words and sentiments—but it does force him to rethink how he views Lorenz and his priorities. Hardship is not a competition, and Claude isn't going to dismiss the trials of his colleagues born into nobility simply because of their privilege. Maybe his friend was more burdened than he appeared.
Something to think about, he supposes. ]
So… [ He takes a sip of his tea, giving Lorenz an innocent smile. ] Could this entire thing simply be that you want to sleep with me as a favour to your lovelorn, teenage self?
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Moments like those he's been able to indulge in here? Simply existing in another's company without those endless calculations that Claude could mask and he never could... it's all new and strange. But it also makes things like this a little bit easier. Like recognizing the mischief inherent in any innocent look Claude has ever given in his life.
Lorenz scoffs and rolls his eyes.] Don't flatter yourself. I can always ask Ferdinand...
[But could he really? Knowing what his fate had been? Knowing how dedicated to Edelgard he was?]
No, it's not. That was a long time ago. I just...didn't want you thinking it would be some sort of hardship. [Ah, and there's the blush back.]
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He kind of wants to press the subject, peel out a bit of a gossip to see who might sleep with who. (If Claude had to pick, his choices would be Raphael or Leonie.) But considering how many of these familiar faces they'd recently slain on the battlefield, it feels like it would be in bad taste.
Instead, he just sips his tea. ]
That's right, you were good friends. [ Back when they were allowed such things. ] You don't think it would be difficult?
[ He meets Lorenz' gaze, looking again as though he's assessing something. ]
To cross that line with a friend and then continue on as though nothing had changed?
[ He's sure that he could do it, as could Hilda. But Lorenz... ]
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But at the same time just being able to see him again had nearly been enough to bring him to tears, to throw propriety out the window just to be able to hug him again. There's such a huge divide, on a fundamental level of principle, he cannot really give Ferdinand the kind of trust that would be needed for something like that.]
As though nothing changed? I don't know that I could do that. But I don't see why sharing something like that would be anything other than a way to strengthen that kind of bond... deepen trust, I should think?
[A slight grimace, he hated how much thinking of Ferdinand here just hurt.]
Which, I suppose... is why I didn't honestly even consider Ferdinand until just now. Much as I would like to trust him...