[ The simplest way to soothe that anger and forge forward in this conversation is to probably tell Lorenz that he's scared. As someone that doesn't tangle sex with emotion, he's scared of what might happen if the two were to mix, and if he were to open himself up to being seen in that way. Claude hardly knows how to make friends much less hold onto them, and if things were to grow awkward or messy because of a misstep—he just wants things to remain as they are. Or at least to feel certain that nothing would sour because of this, and given the way things are already souring he doesn't have much faith.
But he can't outright dismiss the proposal. Whether it's because he doesn't want to let Lorenz down when he's in need, or because somehow, despite his anxiety, he wonders if it might actually be wonderful to be with someone who knows him, he's not sure. But he's willing to wait it out and find out. ]
I don't doubt the amount of thought you put into your letter, Lorenz. But you did have at least a page to express yourself and your thoughts, so I think I'm allowed to voice some of my own.
[ He doesn't move, still calm though similarly frustrated. ]
Or is the only input I'm allowed is whether I'm in or out? [ He keeps his gaze on Lorenz, following him regardless of where he moves. ] And while I appreciate your ability to put words on paper, sex isn't something done through pages—well, at least not the kind you proposed.
[ Swirling his tea around his cup, he looks away for a moment to look down, contemplative. ]
If you can hardly stand to discuss it with me now, how am I supposed to expect the actual event to go?
[He frowns, actually looking up, regret clear in his expression. Of course Claude was allowed to have input, that wasn't-
But Claude continues speaking and it's so infuriatingly calm and rational when he feels like he's fraying apart at the seams that he wants to be upset with him. He keeps moving, as though somehow if he continues to pace along the short distance between his counter and his couch he might be able to stop himself from unraveling.
It doesn't make him feel any less like he's going to cry when confronted with the simple reality of it all, laid out so neatly and for a moment he hates Claude for being able to sit there so unaffected as though none of this mattered anymore than a meeting over supply routes or patrol schedules.
One more loop so he has a moment to try to steady himself enough to actually say something meaningful for once. Finally he stops, standing at the end of the couch opposite Claude and he has to admit defeat, tugging his sleeve down to dab at the corner of his eyes and shaking his head in disgust at himself.]
I don't know how to talk about things like this, Claude. [Goddess, he hates how pathetic he sounds.] You're right, though. I'm trying really hard not to be defensive but-
I'm scared...
[A deep breath, staring at the ceiling, forcing a fragile smile onto his face though that will help him fight back the level of emotion he's so unused to anyone other than his journal seeing. Maybe it does, in some way, because his voice is steadier when he speaks again.]
I am, alright? I'm afraid of what might happen if you did agree to this madness and I'm- [A momentary wobble that he has to breathe through to keep that tenuous hold on himself.] terrified of what might happen here if you don't.
[And with that, most hideously embarrassing and demeaning of confessions, he finally sinks back down to the couch, just a little closer to Claude than he had been earlier, hands shaking and jaw clenched, angry at himself and this place and Claude and just as upset with it all as well.]
[ Claude doesn't want to let Lorenz down. Not as a leader, or even as an act of charity, but Lorenz is one of his friends. One of his brothers in arms, and he doesn't want to see him struggle unnecessarily. But while he's skilled at navigating difficult conversations at the Alliance Roundtable, at parsing through thick documents about politics, and anticipating the movements of his opponents in war, he doesn't possess the same level of insight into other people's hearts. He'd grown up alone, bearing no close connections until he'd met their Professor at Garreg Mach, and for the first time in a long time he finds himself wishing he had her guidance still.
They may have fought and won a war, but they're still so clumsy.
His expression is pinched when Lorenz sits back down, torn over the sheen in his eyes and the rare, upset colour that's flooded his face. Sitting up and leaning forward, he sets a hand on his knee, a careful offering of comfort. ]
I don't want you to be scared. You know yourself best, Lorenz, and if you think this is what's best for you, and if it'll make you feel a little more comfortable, a little safer, then I'm happy to accept your offer.
[ He will be, despite his own fears and concerns, he couldn't leave Lorenz to suffer.
But he's still not sure he believes it, and he draws back, taking a drink from his cup and sighing. ]
But I hope you understand where my concerns come from. I don't want to be part of something that ends up being a regret. It's… difficult to be with someone that doesn't actually want you, who's only doing it for lack of any better option.
[The touch surprises him, something that he wouldn't expect from Claude. From... probably any other Deer, save Lysithea, but not Claude, not when it's something serious. And doesn't that just sum up the entire situation perfectly.
Lorenz catches his hand, briefly. A squeeze, maybe a tad too hard, grateful for the reassurance. Fingers loosening in surprise when Claude actually says he'd accept, violet eyes snapping open wide and turning to look at his friend before he can even register the reality of those words enough to turn scarlet. It happens almost immediately though, the splotchy pink of restrained emotion quickly overtaken by bright, burning scarlet.
It's not until Claude starts speaking again that he finally looks away, horrified all over again at how easily he gets so flustered.]
Claude... [He lifts his hands, pressing his fingers over his cheeks, grateful for the chill so he can try to quell some of the heat in his face. A steadying breath, a glance over at the other man and this time the smile isn't quite so fragile, though it is very wry.]
doesn't actually want you [Muttered softly under his breath, shaking his head. He keeps an eye on Claude, watching him through a sideways glance, but at this point is there really anything more embarrassing than what he's already said and done?]
I thought you were supposed to be a genius? [A huff of amusement.] ... haven't you ever heard of pulling pigtails?
[ Well, embarrassed is better than upset, and if they're going to segue into another topic, Claude isn't going to refuse.
Even if he's not entirely sure where Lorenz is headed with this. ]
I don't think I ever called myself that seriously. [ His expression is pinched, the same grimace he gets whenever someone refers to him as the "Master Tactician".
He's clever, bred to survive after years of trials, and he's lucky that it's made him hardy, but he doesn't have the temperament to boast about all that's made him the way he is. ]
But I'm familiar with the term. It's a tactic children use to get attention.
For all his embarrassment and emotion Lorenz honestly just turns to look at Claude absolutely dumbstruck for a moment. An expression that quickly morphs into suspicion only for that too to be discarded. They've been brutally honest with one another so far, there's absolutely no reason to play dumb now.
Which means... he honestly doesn't get it.]
Claude. It's no secret that my father expected me to spy on you when we were at the academy. You know that. I was hardly subtle.
[He's trying not to sound exasperated or amused, just... factual. But he's pretty sure it's not working.]
It would have been far easier to get information from you if I'd been at least friendly. That- You honestly never thought-
You weren't subtle. [ Claude can agree with that much. Not that it made it any less frustrating.
He didn't mind the challenge that Lorenz presented, or the way he would debate with him, but Claude didn't appreciate people poking into his business even on a casual basis, and he appreciated the Gloucesters pointed digging even less. Even though he was fairly confident that his past wouldn't be uncovered, it was still something that he couldn't dismiss. Not when he'd first arrived, and couldn't be certain what he was dealing with.
Another weight among the secrets he carried.
But there's no point in lamenting the past now, he keeps in the present, unsure of what Lorenz is trying to achieve, cocking his head as he looks back at him. ]
And it's because of that lack of subtlety that you never would've been able to fool me with a friendly act anyway.
[ It also would've been a much crueler ploy, and all of Claude's nightmares come to life. The idea that someone would only be kind to him with the intention of betraying him in the end. ]
[Well at least it's hard to be too embarrassed when faced with such absolute ignorance. How was this man their leader, again?
Lorenz just groans, burying his face in his hands for a moment in miserable disbelief. He's going to have to just... say it. Either Claude's a better actor than even he gave him credit for and it is just a ploy to make him say it or-
Flames but if he is really that clueless it... it's kind of cute.
Lorenz takes a deep breath, looks up at him again, finally shifting a little on the couch so he's sort of facing the other man. He doesn't mean to sound patronizing but he does lead into the next logical steps Claude should be taking with slow words, not unlike leading a student to the correct answer.]
And... if I'd let you be nice to me... [A significant pause. Come on, Claude. One last little logic leap.] ... It would have made the crush I had on you so much worse.
[ Claude's mind often goes in several directions at once when he's trying to piece together a puzzle or a mystery, but he can say with a certain amount of confidence and that no direction would've taken him to that conclusion.
He's silent for a moment, staring at Lorenz as if waiting for a punchline but... that's it.
... That's it? ]
Your— [ He chokes over the word, nearly spilling his tea as he sits up, his face the perfect picture of dumbfounded disbelief. ] Your crush?
[ He can see a little why Lorenz seemed so disbelieving over Claude's cluelessness, it's kind of incredible that he didn't notice something so contrary to the fundamental truths that he's carried with him all these years. The knowledge that Lorenz didn't like him, didn't trust him, would've preferred if he disappeared back into the ether from which he'd appeared.
It's still difficult to wrap his head around, and he slumps back into his seat once the initial shock fades, looking somewhat... impressed, if a little dazed. ]
I see. I suppose you're a better actor than I gave you credit for.
[Oh it's certainly true that, in those days, Claude being swallowed up by the same forces that had brought him into Lorenz' life would have made things so much less complicated. But even then he hadn't been able to fully commit himself to Claude's absence? Destruction? Certainly not what his father had wanted.
Lorenz needed to not like him, though. So he consistently antagonized him but even with that he could only provoke him so much and the fact that Claude had been able to be so blasé about the whole thing had only made it worse.]
I think it was less acting and more lying to myself as much as you... I, honestly, thought you knew.
[Clearly he'd been mistaken. And now that has him blushing all over again, scrambling to find some sort of rationale before Claude could ask him any more questions.]
I don't think I knew nearly enough about you to have had more than a passing thought... most of the time... In so many ways you were everything I should have hated.
[Softer, then, a quiet melancholy in his words.]
Everything I couldn't have... or be.
[He shrugs a little, almost dismissive. Claude was stunning, sure, but Lorenz had not known him well enough to say that he liked him for his own merits and not just traits he'd assigned to him when they were so young and he was still so foolish. Actually getting to know Claude and become his friend was far more worthwhile than a stupid puppy crush but... it had certainly been there.]
[ If the idea that Lorenz could've had feelings for him was difficult to believe, the thought that he might be envious of him is even harder to understand.
Well—no, that's not entirely true. He could imagine Lorenz being envious that Claude had what he didn't: an undeniable claim to leading the Alliance. But what it sounds like is that he envied more was who Claude was as a person. Or at least, whatever it was that Lorenz imagined him to be.
He's not really flattered by the revelation—because after all, if Lorenz really knew the truth about who he was, there is the chance that he might take back all of his kind words and sentiments—but it does force him to rethink how he views Lorenz and his priorities. Hardship is not a competition, and Claude isn't going to dismiss the trials of his colleagues born into nobility simply because of their privilege. Maybe his friend was more burdened than he appeared.
Something to think about, he supposes. ]
So… [ He takes a sip of his tea, giving Lorenz an innocent smile. ] Could this entire thing simply be that you want to sleep with me as a favour to your lovelorn, teenage self?
[What he envied then, and still did in some ways, was the very same thing he'd said made him stand out as a leader. Regardless of how awkward he could be personally (clearly) people listened to Claude, people liked him, he was a good leader and it was practically effortless. He might not realize how many of those smiles were fake but he'd at least seemed happy enough back then. Even carefree... while Lorenz was incapable of having a single interaction with someone without calculating the worth and merit of every moment spent.
Moments like those he's been able to indulge in here? Simply existing in another's company without those endless calculations that Claude could mask and he never could... it's all new and strange. But it also makes things like this a little bit easier. Like recognizing the mischief inherent in any innocent look Claude has ever given in his life.
Lorenz scoffs and rolls his eyes.] Don't flatter yourself. I can always ask Ferdinand...
[But could he really? Knowing what his fate had been? Knowing how dedicated to Edelgard he was?]
No, it's not. That was a long time ago. I just...didn't want you thinking it would be some sort of hardship. [Ah, and there's the blush back.]
Ferdinand? [ Claude's eyebrows go up in interest. Admittedly, he hadn't considered sleeping with any of their former classmates from Garreg Mach, but thinking about it now, it's probably logical to seek out someone familiar.
He kind of wants to press the subject, peel out a bit of a gossip to see who might sleep with who. (If Claude had to pick, his choices would be Raphael or Leonie.) But considering how many of these familiar faces they'd recently slain on the battlefield, it feels like it would be in bad taste.
Instead, he just sips his tea. ]
That's right, you were good friends. [ Back when they were allowed such things. ] You don't think it would be difficult?
[ He meets Lorenz' gaze, looking again as though he's assessing something. ]
To cross that line with a friend and then continue on as though nothing had changed?
[ He's sure that he could do it, as could Hilda. But Lorenz... ]
[The way he repeats the redhead's name alone is enough to have Lorenz' face burning scarlet again and he very nearly buries his face in his hands. Something that contradicts the look in his eyes when Claude asks about the difficulty of such a thing. His thought, first and foremost, is how much potential there is for them to possibly hurt one another. He can't imagine going to him, knowing the Emperor was a couple rooms away. Letting his guard down enough to... do something so intimate.
But at the same time just being able to see him again had nearly been enough to bring him to tears, to throw propriety out the window just to be able to hug him again. There's such a huge divide, on a fundamental level of principle, he cannot really give Ferdinand the kind of trust that would be needed for something like that.]
As though nothing changed? I don't know that I could do that. But I don't see why sharing something like that would be anything other than a way to strengthen that kind of bond... deepen trust, I should think?
[A slight grimace, he hated how much thinking of Ferdinand here just hurt.]
Which, I suppose... is why I didn't honestly even consider Ferdinand until just now. Much as I would like to trust him...
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But he can't outright dismiss the proposal. Whether it's because he doesn't want to let Lorenz down when he's in need, or because somehow, despite his anxiety, he wonders if it might actually be wonderful to be with someone who knows him, he's not sure. But he's willing to wait it out and find out. ]
I don't doubt the amount of thought you put into your letter, Lorenz. But you did have at least a page to express yourself and your thoughts, so I think I'm allowed to voice some of my own.
[ He doesn't move, still calm though similarly frustrated. ]
Or is the only input I'm allowed is whether I'm in or out? [ He keeps his gaze on Lorenz, following him regardless of where he moves. ] And while I appreciate your ability to put words on paper, sex isn't something done through pages—well, at least not the kind you proposed.
[ Swirling his tea around his cup, he looks away for a moment to look down, contemplative. ]
If you can hardly stand to discuss it with me now, how am I supposed to expect the actual event to go?
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But Claude continues speaking and it's so infuriatingly calm and rational when he feels like he's fraying apart at the seams that he wants to be upset with him. He keeps moving, as though somehow if he continues to pace along the short distance between his counter and his couch he might be able to stop himself from unraveling.
It doesn't make him feel any less like he's going to cry when confronted with the simple reality of it all, laid out so neatly and for a moment he hates Claude for being able to sit there so unaffected as though none of this mattered anymore than a meeting over supply routes or patrol schedules.
One more loop so he has a moment to try to steady himself enough to actually say something meaningful for once. Finally he stops, standing at the end of the couch opposite Claude and he has to admit defeat, tugging his sleeve down to dab at the corner of his eyes and shaking his head in disgust at himself.]
I don't know how to talk about things like this, Claude. [Goddess, he hates how pathetic he sounds.] You're right, though. I'm trying really hard not to be defensive but-
I'm scared...
[A deep breath, staring at the ceiling, forcing a fragile smile onto his face though that will help him fight back the level of emotion he's so unused to anyone other than his journal seeing. Maybe it does, in some way, because his voice is steadier when he speaks again.]
I am, alright? I'm afraid of what might happen if you did agree to this madness and I'm- [A momentary wobble that he has to breathe through to keep that tenuous hold on himself.] terrified of what might happen here if you don't.
[And with that, most hideously embarrassing and demeaning of confessions, he finally sinks back down to the couch, just a little closer to Claude than he had been earlier, hands shaking and jaw clenched, angry at himself and this place and Claude and just as upset with it all as well.]
Even if you did I don't know if I could do it.
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They may have fought and won a war, but they're still so clumsy.
His expression is pinched when Lorenz sits back down, torn over the sheen in his eyes and the rare, upset colour that's flooded his face. Sitting up and leaning forward, he sets a hand on his knee, a careful offering of comfort. ]
I don't want you to be scared. You know yourself best, Lorenz, and if you think this is what's best for you, and if it'll make you feel a little more comfortable, a little safer, then I'm happy to accept your offer.
[ He will be, despite his own fears and concerns, he couldn't leave Lorenz to suffer.
But he's still not sure he believes it, and he draws back, taking a drink from his cup and sighing. ]
But I hope you understand where my concerns come from. I don't want to be part of something that ends up being a regret. It's… difficult to be with someone that doesn't actually want you, who's only doing it for lack of any better option.
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Lorenz catches his hand, briefly. A squeeze, maybe a tad too hard, grateful for the reassurance. Fingers loosening in surprise when Claude actually says he'd accept, violet eyes snapping open wide and turning to look at his friend before he can even register the reality of those words enough to turn scarlet. It happens almost immediately though, the splotchy pink of restrained emotion quickly overtaken by bright, burning scarlet.
It's not until Claude starts speaking again that he finally looks away, horrified all over again at how easily he gets so flustered.]
Claude... [He lifts his hands, pressing his fingers over his cheeks, grateful for the chill so he can try to quell some of the heat in his face. A steadying breath, a glance over at the other man and this time the smile isn't quite so fragile, though it is very wry.]
doesn't actually want you [Muttered softly under his breath, shaking his head. He keeps an eye on Claude, watching him through a sideways glance, but at this point is there really anything more embarrassing than what he's already said and done?]
I thought you were supposed to be a genius? [A huff of amusement.] ... haven't you ever heard of pulling pigtails?
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Even if he's not entirely sure where Lorenz is headed with this. ]
I don't think I ever called myself that seriously. [ His expression is pinched, the same grimace he gets whenever someone refers to him as the "Master Tactician".
He's clever, bred to survive after years of trials, and he's lucky that it's made him hardy, but he doesn't have the temperament to boast about all that's made him the way he is. ]
But I'm familiar with the term. It's a tactic children use to get attention.
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Claude
For all his embarrassment and emotion Lorenz honestly just turns to look at Claude absolutely dumbstruck for a moment. An expression that quickly morphs into suspicion only for that too to be discarded. They've been brutally honest with one another so far, there's absolutely no reason to play dumb now.
Which means... he honestly doesn't get it.]
Claude. It's no secret that my father expected me to spy on you when we were at the academy. You know that. I was hardly subtle.
[He's trying not to sound exasperated or amused, just... factual. But he's pretty sure it's not working.]
It would have been far easier to get information from you if I'd been at least friendly. That- You honestly never thought-
Claude
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He didn't mind the challenge that Lorenz presented, or the way he would debate with him, but Claude didn't appreciate people poking into his business even on a casual basis, and he appreciated the Gloucesters pointed digging even less. Even though he was fairly confident that his past wouldn't be uncovered, it was still something that he couldn't dismiss. Not when he'd first arrived, and couldn't be certain what he was dealing with.
Another weight among the secrets he carried.
But there's no point in lamenting the past now, he keeps in the present, unsure of what Lorenz is trying to achieve, cocking his head as he looks back at him. ]
And it's because of that lack of subtlety that you never would've been able to fool me with a friendly act anyway.
[ It also would've been a much crueler ploy, and all of Claude's nightmares come to life. The idea that someone would only be kind to him with the intention of betraying him in the end. ]
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[Well at least it's hard to be too embarrassed when faced with such absolute ignorance. How was this man their leader, again?
Lorenz just groans, burying his face in his hands for a moment in miserable disbelief. He's going to have to just... say it. Either Claude's a better actor than even he gave him credit for and it is just a ploy to make him say it or-
Flames but if he is really that clueless it... it's kind of cute.
Lorenz takes a deep breath, looks up at him again, finally shifting a little on the couch so he's sort of facing the other man. He doesn't mean to sound patronizing but he does lead into the next logical steps Claude should be taking with slow words, not unlike leading a student to the correct answer.]
And... if I'd let you be nice to me... [A significant pause. Come on, Claude. One last little logic leap.] ... It would have made the crush I had on you so much worse.
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He's silent for a moment, staring at Lorenz as if waiting for a punchline but... that's it.
... That's it? ]
Your— [ He chokes over the word, nearly spilling his tea as he sits up, his face the perfect picture of dumbfounded disbelief. ] Your crush?
[ He can see a little why Lorenz seemed so disbelieving over Claude's cluelessness, it's kind of incredible that he didn't notice something so contrary to the fundamental truths that he's carried with him all these years. The knowledge that Lorenz didn't like him, didn't trust him, would've preferred if he disappeared back into the ether from which he'd appeared.
It's still difficult to wrap his head around, and he slumps back into his seat once the initial shock fades, looking somewhat... impressed, if a little dazed. ]
I see. I suppose you're a better actor than I gave you credit for.
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Lorenz needed to not like him, though. So he consistently antagonized him but even with that he could only provoke him so much and the fact that Claude had been able to be so blasé about the whole thing had only made it worse.]
I think it was less acting and more lying to myself as much as you... I, honestly, thought you knew.
[Clearly he'd been mistaken. And now that has him blushing all over again, scrambling to find some sort of rationale before Claude could ask him any more questions.]
I don't think I knew nearly enough about you to have had more than a passing thought... most of the time... In so many ways you were everything I should have hated.
[Softer, then, a quiet melancholy in his words.]
Everything I couldn't have... or be.
[He shrugs a little, almost dismissive. Claude was stunning, sure, but Lorenz had not known him well enough to say that he liked him for his own merits and not just traits he'd assigned to him when they were so young and he was still so foolish. Actually getting to know Claude and become his friend was far more worthwhile than a stupid puppy crush but... it had certainly been there.]
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Well—no, that's not entirely true. He could imagine Lorenz being envious that Claude had what he didn't: an undeniable claim to leading the Alliance. But what it sounds like is that he envied more was who Claude was as a person. Or at least, whatever it was that Lorenz imagined him to be.
He's not really flattered by the revelation—because after all, if Lorenz really knew the truth about who he was, there is the chance that he might take back all of his kind words and sentiments—but it does force him to rethink how he views Lorenz and his priorities. Hardship is not a competition, and Claude isn't going to dismiss the trials of his colleagues born into nobility simply because of their privilege. Maybe his friend was more burdened than he appeared.
Something to think about, he supposes. ]
So… [ He takes a sip of his tea, giving Lorenz an innocent smile. ] Could this entire thing simply be that you want to sleep with me as a favour to your lovelorn, teenage self?
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Moments like those he's been able to indulge in here? Simply existing in another's company without those endless calculations that Claude could mask and he never could... it's all new and strange. But it also makes things like this a little bit easier. Like recognizing the mischief inherent in any innocent look Claude has ever given in his life.
Lorenz scoffs and rolls his eyes.] Don't flatter yourself. I can always ask Ferdinand...
[But could he really? Knowing what his fate had been? Knowing how dedicated to Edelgard he was?]
No, it's not. That was a long time ago. I just...didn't want you thinking it would be some sort of hardship. [Ah, and there's the blush back.]
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He kind of wants to press the subject, peel out a bit of a gossip to see who might sleep with who. (If Claude had to pick, his choices would be Raphael or Leonie.) But considering how many of these familiar faces they'd recently slain on the battlefield, it feels like it would be in bad taste.
Instead, he just sips his tea. ]
That's right, you were good friends. [ Back when they were allowed such things. ] You don't think it would be difficult?
[ He meets Lorenz' gaze, looking again as though he's assessing something. ]
To cross that line with a friend and then continue on as though nothing had changed?
[ He's sure that he could do it, as could Hilda. But Lorenz... ]
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But at the same time just being able to see him again had nearly been enough to bring him to tears, to throw propriety out the window just to be able to hug him again. There's such a huge divide, on a fundamental level of principle, he cannot really give Ferdinand the kind of trust that would be needed for something like that.]
As though nothing changed? I don't know that I could do that. But I don't see why sharing something like that would be anything other than a way to strengthen that kind of bond... deepen trust, I should think?
[A slight grimace, he hated how much thinking of Ferdinand here just hurt.]
Which, I suppose... is why I didn't honestly even consider Ferdinand until just now. Much as I would like to trust him...