[Oh it's certainly true that, in those days, Claude being swallowed up by the same forces that had brought him into Lorenz' life would have made things so much less complicated. But even then he hadn't been able to fully commit himself to Claude's absence? Destruction? Certainly not what his father had wanted.
Lorenz needed to not like him, though. So he consistently antagonized him but even with that he could only provoke him so much and the fact that Claude had been able to be so blasé about the whole thing had only made it worse.]
I think it was less acting and more lying to myself as much as you... I, honestly, thought you knew.
[Clearly he'd been mistaken. And now that has him blushing all over again, scrambling to find some sort of rationale before Claude could ask him any more questions.]
I don't think I knew nearly enough about you to have had more than a passing thought... most of the time... In so many ways you were everything I should have hated.
[Softer, then, a quiet melancholy in his words.]
Everything I couldn't have... or be.
[He shrugs a little, almost dismissive. Claude was stunning, sure, but Lorenz had not known him well enough to say that he liked him for his own merits and not just traits he'd assigned to him when they were so young and he was still so foolish. Actually getting to know Claude and become his friend was far more worthwhile than a stupid puppy crush but... it had certainly been there.]
[ If the idea that Lorenz could've had feelings for him was difficult to believe, the thought that he might be envious of him is even harder to understand.
Well—no, that's not entirely true. He could imagine Lorenz being envious that Claude had what he didn't: an undeniable claim to leading the Alliance. But what it sounds like is that he envied more was who Claude was as a person. Or at least, whatever it was that Lorenz imagined him to be.
He's not really flattered by the revelation—because after all, if Lorenz really knew the truth about who he was, there is the chance that he might take back all of his kind words and sentiments—but it does force him to rethink how he views Lorenz and his priorities. Hardship is not a competition, and Claude isn't going to dismiss the trials of his colleagues born into nobility simply because of their privilege. Maybe his friend was more burdened than he appeared.
Something to think about, he supposes. ]
So… [ He takes a sip of his tea, giving Lorenz an innocent smile. ] Could this entire thing simply be that you want to sleep with me as a favour to your lovelorn, teenage self?
[What he envied then, and still did in some ways, was the very same thing he'd said made him stand out as a leader. Regardless of how awkward he could be personally (clearly) people listened to Claude, people liked him, he was a good leader and it was practically effortless. He might not realize how many of those smiles were fake but he'd at least seemed happy enough back then. Even carefree... while Lorenz was incapable of having a single interaction with someone without calculating the worth and merit of every moment spent.
Moments like those he's been able to indulge in here? Simply existing in another's company without those endless calculations that Claude could mask and he never could... it's all new and strange. But it also makes things like this a little bit easier. Like recognizing the mischief inherent in any innocent look Claude has ever given in his life.
Lorenz scoffs and rolls his eyes.] Don't flatter yourself. I can always ask Ferdinand...
[But could he really? Knowing what his fate had been? Knowing how dedicated to Edelgard he was?]
No, it's not. That was a long time ago. I just...didn't want you thinking it would be some sort of hardship. [Ah, and there's the blush back.]
Ferdinand? [ Claude's eyebrows go up in interest. Admittedly, he hadn't considered sleeping with any of their former classmates from Garreg Mach, but thinking about it now, it's probably logical to seek out someone familiar.
He kind of wants to press the subject, peel out a bit of a gossip to see who might sleep with who. (If Claude had to pick, his choices would be Raphael or Leonie.) But considering how many of these familiar faces they'd recently slain on the battlefield, it feels like it would be in bad taste.
Instead, he just sips his tea. ]
That's right, you were good friends. [ Back when they were allowed such things. ] You don't think it would be difficult?
[ He meets Lorenz' gaze, looking again as though he's assessing something. ]
To cross that line with a friend and then continue on as though nothing had changed?
[ He's sure that he could do it, as could Hilda. But Lorenz... ]
[The way he repeats the redhead's name alone is enough to have Lorenz' face burning scarlet again and he very nearly buries his face in his hands. Something that contradicts the look in his eyes when Claude asks about the difficulty of such a thing. His thought, first and foremost, is how much potential there is for them to possibly hurt one another. He can't imagine going to him, knowing the Emperor was a couple rooms away. Letting his guard down enough to... do something so intimate.
But at the same time just being able to see him again had nearly been enough to bring him to tears, to throw propriety out the window just to be able to hug him again. There's such a huge divide, on a fundamental level of principle, he cannot really give Ferdinand the kind of trust that would be needed for something like that.]
As though nothing changed? I don't know that I could do that. But I don't see why sharing something like that would be anything other than a way to strengthen that kind of bond... deepen trust, I should think?
[A slight grimace, he hated how much thinking of Ferdinand here just hurt.]
Which, I suppose... is why I didn't honestly even consider Ferdinand until just now. Much as I would like to trust him...
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Lorenz needed to not like him, though. So he consistently antagonized him but even with that he could only provoke him so much and the fact that Claude had been able to be so blasé about the whole thing had only made it worse.]
I think it was less acting and more lying to myself as much as you... I, honestly, thought you knew.
[Clearly he'd been mistaken. And now that has him blushing all over again, scrambling to find some sort of rationale before Claude could ask him any more questions.]
I don't think I knew nearly enough about you to have had more than a passing thought... most of the time... In so many ways you were everything I should have hated.
[Softer, then, a quiet melancholy in his words.]
Everything I couldn't have... or be.
[He shrugs a little, almost dismissive. Claude was stunning, sure, but Lorenz had not known him well enough to say that he liked him for his own merits and not just traits he'd assigned to him when they were so young and he was still so foolish. Actually getting to know Claude and become his friend was far more worthwhile than a stupid puppy crush but... it had certainly been there.]
no subject
Well—no, that's not entirely true. He could imagine Lorenz being envious that Claude had what he didn't: an undeniable claim to leading the Alliance. But what it sounds like is that he envied more was who Claude was as a person. Or at least, whatever it was that Lorenz imagined him to be.
He's not really flattered by the revelation—because after all, if Lorenz really knew the truth about who he was, there is the chance that he might take back all of his kind words and sentiments—but it does force him to rethink how he views Lorenz and his priorities. Hardship is not a competition, and Claude isn't going to dismiss the trials of his colleagues born into nobility simply because of their privilege. Maybe his friend was more burdened than he appeared.
Something to think about, he supposes. ]
So… [ He takes a sip of his tea, giving Lorenz an innocent smile. ] Could this entire thing simply be that you want to sleep with me as a favour to your lovelorn, teenage self?
no subject
Moments like those he's been able to indulge in here? Simply existing in another's company without those endless calculations that Claude could mask and he never could... it's all new and strange. But it also makes things like this a little bit easier. Like recognizing the mischief inherent in any innocent look Claude has ever given in his life.
Lorenz scoffs and rolls his eyes.] Don't flatter yourself. I can always ask Ferdinand...
[But could he really? Knowing what his fate had been? Knowing how dedicated to Edelgard he was?]
No, it's not. That was a long time ago. I just...didn't want you thinking it would be some sort of hardship. [Ah, and there's the blush back.]
no subject
He kind of wants to press the subject, peel out a bit of a gossip to see who might sleep with who. (If Claude had to pick, his choices would be Raphael or Leonie.) But considering how many of these familiar faces they'd recently slain on the battlefield, it feels like it would be in bad taste.
Instead, he just sips his tea. ]
That's right, you were good friends. [ Back when they were allowed such things. ] You don't think it would be difficult?
[ He meets Lorenz' gaze, looking again as though he's assessing something. ]
To cross that line with a friend and then continue on as though nothing had changed?
[ He's sure that he could do it, as could Hilda. But Lorenz... ]
no subject
But at the same time just being able to see him again had nearly been enough to bring him to tears, to throw propriety out the window just to be able to hug him again. There's such a huge divide, on a fundamental level of principle, he cannot really give Ferdinand the kind of trust that would be needed for something like that.]
As though nothing changed? I don't know that I could do that. But I don't see why sharing something like that would be anything other than a way to strengthen that kind of bond... deepen trust, I should think?
[A slight grimace, he hated how much thinking of Ferdinand here just hurt.]
Which, I suppose... is why I didn't honestly even consider Ferdinand until just now. Much as I would like to trust him...