you settle down in front of a fireplace in a room that feels slightly cold and empty, despite the roaring fire. a man in a pressed white button-down shirt, black waistcoat, and cravat trails after you as you pick up the pomeranian practically yelping for your attention. you give maus a scrub down, cooing at the puppy.
you talk, a little, about your recent visit to the graveyard. they're all unhappy down there, like you knew they would be. you seem to be familiar with this man, considering you just crawl right into his lap, and he wraps his arms around you like nothing. he's cold and stiff, literally, but that's not really his fault. and then, reluctantly, you show the man in front of you the progress of your hand under your gloves.
"What's happening to us?" he asks, vaguely horrified, as you show him, and you hide your face. you don't know. but you have to keep going. and then, you insist:
"The fact that - we helped bring them here in the first place, Miles, I'm not going to turn around and ask them to save us. We have to - do something to appease the UWU so it doesn't take all of us out. I'll see what I can do."
he doesn't like that. "What can we even do to appease it now? We already essentially sold ourselves to it... You are not going back to speak to it alone."
and you don't like that. "You can't stop me," you tell him, roughly, and it turns into an argument.
... he talks you down. and you sigh out, "Logical. Logical as always, babe."
but you know that's not going to be the end of it. you know you have to do more. you just won't tell him.
[ The memory feels different from the others he's seen. The intimacy—is weird, and he feels a little disoriented by it, though he snaps back to the present when he watches Lup walk into a walk. ]
[ Yeah, that is pretty terrible. He's not sure how it would've changed things for him, if the dormheads had voluntarily brought them all there. A sacrifice to the story in order to save themselves.
He glances at the wall. ]
So did you? Try to help them out of the situation they'd been brought into?
[sheesh, he really just stabs at the heart of it, huh! she shifts, looking - a little baffled, maybe, or just slightly off balance. she's really not used to any sort of reassurance like this. it usually comes in the form of teasing or banter, because everybody she knows is allergic to feelings.
a long pause.]
... I'm trying. [she says finally, glancing at him.] To do that now. To, um - to forgive myself. And not wallow in suffering.
[ Claude is also allergic to feelings, so that is relatable.
But sometimes hearing silence when you're suffering can be it's own type of pain. ]
It's not easy. [ He agrees, quiet. ] I feel the weight of everyone that lost their lives in the war because of me constantly. It's not something I'll ever be free of.
And that's alright, I think. There are good days and bad days. Whenever I sink too deep in my self-pity, I try to remember that it's only for my benefit. It doesn't put any good into the world.
That's a good way to look at it. [she says, finally, with a little smile.] That's really... all I want to do, in the end. Put a little more good in the world.
[a pause, and then she moves to hug him. just a hug, because she appreciates what he's saying to her. this is always easier than words.]
[ He'll smile back, a little awkward as he returns the hug but holding on all the same. ]
I don't have any doubt in you, you know.
[ Though he doesn't get much else out, because we're launching into another memory!
This isn't your world—it's probably not any world, just another illusion concocted by the story—but your heart still goes out to the young girl that you'd met. Abandoned, alone, unable to speak on that old ship. She was afraid, but you managed to gain her trust.
You're on an abandoned ship that's washed up ashore of a small town, the rotting, brittle wood is unsteady around you as she continues to grow in her grief, the deck splintering under her weight and threatening to throw you and your companions into the water below.
A lie. You know that Lux will wield her magic again the moment she catches her breath, and that Kon is waiting for the opportunity to bury his sword in her body, but as her panicked cries ring in your head—Claude? Claude?—all you can think is how much you want to salvage this situation. Take her back to being a little girl. She might be a monster now, but she treated you with kindness.
The ship breaks and your lungs fill with water, debris crashing down around you, and even amidst her anguish, she finds you. She treats you gently, carrying you to shore and to safety. None of her tentacles come in your direction, not even when you summon the magic of this world, dark spikes cutting through the ground to slice into her body.
She cries, betrayed, Why...? I just wanted to be with you. You were the only who was kind to me. You were the only who tried to help me. I wanted to see the world with you. I wanted to speak like you. I wanted to read like you. I wanted to eat more snack bars with you...
She doesn't attack you still, as you drag yourself past her monstrous limbs, reaching the part of her that's still a girl, small hands holding a small face as she cries. You kind of want to cry too.
"I know, I know... I'm sorry."
You hate this place—this story. And you hate yourself too, a little, for always betraying those that trust you, when you plunge your dagger into her chest.
The illusion breaks as the memory starts to fade, disappearing with one last look, and the sound of her voice in your ear, You showed me how beautiful the world was.... so why was I so ugly.....?
Claude stumbles back when the hotel comes back into view around them, heart beating and looking spooked. He hated that a lot! ]
she - startles, when the stardust bursts above them, and for a second after she's extremely disoriented. she lets go of him when he stumbles back, but after a moment, she moves forward to gently rest her hand on his arm.]
-- Hey. [she says, after a second, swallowing down the secondhand anguish, the way the memory was so overwhelming.] Hey.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w3, MONDAY
anyway in the real world, lup runs into a wall.]
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Whoa!
[ Grabs her shoulder. ]
You alright?
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Uhh. Yes? Maybe. Did you just also hallucinate my memories? That has a lot to do with how okay I am at this very second.
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Have you not experienced that before?
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... I hope you're not still so self-sacrificial.
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ear flicks]
Sure! I'm not.
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[ nudges her chin ]
Was it... atonement, for you?
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her smile drops a little, and then:]
... Well, I think we both know I needed to do something to make up for the shit I was inflicting.
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Even though the individuals there weren't forced to murder?
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He glances at the wall. ]
So did you? Try to help them out of the situation they'd been brought into?
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... I did. Not that it helped much. The thing got too big, by that point, and we were all under it's influence.
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I'm sorry, Lup. I don't know what cure there is for guilt and remorse— more likely there isn't one. But I hope you know that your suffering isn't it.
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a long pause.]
... I'm trying. [she says finally, glancing at him.] To do that now. To, um - to forgive myself. And not wallow in suffering.
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But sometimes hearing silence when you're suffering can be it's own type of pain. ]
It's not easy. [ He agrees, quiet. ] I feel the weight of everyone that lost their lives in the war because of me constantly. It's not something I'll ever be free of.
And that's alright, I think. There are good days and bad days. Whenever I sink too deep in my self-pity, I try to remember that it's only for my benefit. It doesn't put any good into the world.
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That's a good way to look at it. [she says, finally, with a little smile.] That's really... all I want to do, in the end. Put a little more good in the world.
[a pause, and then she moves to hug him. just a hug, because she appreciates what he's saying to her. this is always easier than words.]
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I don't have any doubt in you, you know.
[ Though he doesn't get much else out, because we're launching into another memory!
Now, she looms above you, a monster.
You're on an abandoned ship that's washed up ashore of a small town, the rotting, brittle wood is unsteady around you as she continues to grow in her grief, the deck splintering under her weight and threatening to throw you and your companions into the water below.
"Claudia, stop! I promise no one here wants to hurt you!"
A lie. You know that Lux will wield her magic again the moment she catches her breath, and that Kon is waiting for the opportunity to bury his sword in her body, but as her panicked cries ring in your head—Claude? Claude?—all you can think is how much you want to salvage this situation. Take her back to being a little girl. She might be a monster now, but she treated you with kindness.
The ship breaks and your lungs fill with water, debris crashing down around you, and even amidst her anguish, she finds you. She treats you gently, carrying you to shore and to safety. None of her tentacles come in your direction, not even when you summon the magic of this world, dark spikes cutting through the ground to slice into her body.
She cries, betrayed, Why...? I just wanted to be with you. You were the only who was kind to me. You were the only who tried to help me. I wanted to see the world with you. I wanted to speak like you. I wanted to read like you. I wanted to eat more snack bars with you...
She doesn't attack you still, as you drag yourself past her monstrous limbs, reaching the part of her that's still a girl, small hands holding a small face as she cries. You kind of want to cry too.
"I know, I know... I'm sorry."
You hate this place—this story. And you hate yourself too, a little, for always betraying those that trust you, when you plunge your dagger into her chest.
The illusion breaks as the memory starts to fade, disappearing with one last look, and the sound of her voice in your ear, You showed me how beautiful the world was.... so why was I so ugly.....?
Claude stumbles back when the hotel comes back into view around them, heart beating and looking spooked. He hated that a lot! ]
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she - startles, when the stardust bursts above them, and for a second after she's extremely disoriented. she lets go of him when he stumbles back, but after a moment, she moves forward to gently rest her hand on his arm.]
-- Hey. [she says, after a second, swallowing down the secondhand anguish, the way the memory was so overwhelming.] Hey.
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For the most part, Claude can take the memories that come in stride. They're old and dusty, and he has practice in pretending they don't effect him.
But this one is still fresh. Still raw and frustrating, and he takes a breath when she settles a hand on his arm. ]
... That really is a terrible one.
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[a beat.] Where was that? Was that at the school? [she keeps holding.]
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It feels kind of stupid to be so affected by something that wasn't even real, you know?
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Those things are built to hurt you. They get you where it hurts. [...] You care a lot more than you let on. It's a good thing.
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... Are you calling me a softie?
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I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
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