school: beau

[shaft]

Comments

w6, thursday

[disreguarded]

[well, once she remembers who the fuck claude is, she's looking for him. thoroughly. she's like, buzzing furiously.]

Claude? [come on, dude]

[shaft]

[ She can find him sitting on the ground, at the base of the tree. He might be throwing up, but it's more like just wretching with nothing coming out. ]

[disreguarded]

[oh, buddy - she immediately stumbles over to him, and crouches down, resting a hand on his back.]

Hey - hey. It's alright.

[shaft]

[ Thanks Beau. Claude will only respond with a gasp as he struggles for air around his gagging, before going very still, and very clearly trying not to cry.

There's only one thing in his head right now, and it's this. ]

[disreguarded]

[she has no idea who this it but it's fine! it's fine. she moves closer, kneeling next to him, and wraps her arm around him gently.]

I'm here. [she says quietly. she's never seen him this fucked up before - it's kind of scary.] I'm here, hey. Breathe with me.

[trying to give him something to follow, here.]

[shaft]

[ When she first knelt next to him, he was pretty sure he couldn't imagine anything worse than her seeing him in a state like this, the idea of her actually touching him sending him into a panic but.

When she does, he leans into it, his breaths don't quite follow the same pattern but he's clearly trying. ]

[disreguarded]

[no judgment here - not even a little. her thoughts are calm and even - worried, maybe, but even.

if it seems like he needs her to stop touching him at any point she will, but for now she rests her hand on top of his and breathes for him, slow, steady. the first step is to get him to stop panicking - she'll deal with whatever comes after that when it comes.

Inhale, exhale. You're okay. It's okay.]

[shaft]

[ It takes a moment, but eventually he starts to follow along with her breathing, focusing all his attention on inhale, exhale.

Inhale. Exhale.

Eventually, his pulse stops racing rapid quick, and some of the tension drains from his body. His eyes are definitely wet, but it could be worse. ]

[disreguarded]

[she's relieved, when he starts to follow. her thoughts switch to something for him to continue to follow - inhale, exhale. meditation, almost.

when he finally starts to calm, she rests her head on his shoulder. she won't call attention to the tears or anything like that, he can have his pride there. instead, she just holds his hand.]

Hey. You're here. [she says, quietly.] You're away from whatever bad shit happened.

[shaft]

[ He seems to appreciate the closeness despite his desperate getaways earlier, the breaths steadying him where he'd been adrift before. When she takes his hand, he squeezes hers in return gently, shaking his head.

His voice is a little shaky, ] Some of it stays with you forever.

[disreguarded]

Yeah. [she gets that. she's very, very carefully thinking about breathing to stop herself from sharing the truly heinous shit she remembers when he's already kicked down and out.]

I know. It'll be there, but you're not in the thick of it. [...] You don't have to talk about it, unless you think it'd help.

[I'm sorry I didn't remember you right away.]

[shaft]

[ He nods, exhaling heavily before pushing himself so that he's no longer crouched over. He tilts his head up as if coming up for hair, wiping a hand over his face to get rid of any wetness there.

More gathers around his lashes. ]

... Thanks. I know you have your own crap going on too. And it's okay.

[ Just a bunch of people barely hanging on, trying to keep each other afloat. ]

[disreguarded]

I don't mind. [she shifts so it's easier for him to sit down, rubbing his back easily.]

None of us are doing okay, but you just came out of a field trip and I know those pick at people the worst. [...] Lemme stay with you a bit, okay? Maybe just for my own fucking peace of mind, if you'll have it.

[Scared me. Let me protect something, just this once.]

You want me to get you some water or something?

[shaft]

No, I'm all right. [ He says, sitting there, with his face in his hands.

But he doesn't push her to leave, and his thoughts don't suggest he dislikes her presence. In fact, he appreciates having someone there as he walks through his thoughts. ]

It just feels so... foolish. None of it was real. Nothing we saw or did was real. And yet.

[ I'm like this. ]

[disreguarded]

It doesn't have to have been real to fuck you up, man.

Illusions still hurt. [she reaches to push some of his hair out of his face.] The damage is still real, even if what happened wasn't.

Keeping it in and downplaying it is just gonna fuck you up worse. Take it from me.

[shaft]

[ He jerks for a second at the touch, before relaxing. And honestly her validation settles something in him, as though his turmoil is only half from what had actually happened, and half from his inadequacy in handling it.

I gave up. In there. ]

Do you ever feel like some people are destined for failure? [ He looks at her, brows furrowed. ] I've always wondered what it is about me that caused me to lose the war in Fódlan. Not just in my world, but Dimitri's also...

A fatal flaw? "Destiny"?

[ ... ]

You don't need to answer. It's just been on my mind.

[disreguarded]

[she watches him with a steady sort of look.]

I don't need to answer, but can I? [because she has thoughts on that. very indignant ones.]

[shaft]

[ He looks a little surprised that she wants to? It's a lot to unload on a person? ]

If you want.

[disreguarded]

[she shifts, so that she's sitting in front of him rather than to his side, and takes his face in her hand. gently, just lifting his chin so he's looking at her.]

There's no fucking thing as destiny. [Hate that fortune shit.] But if there were - if there were such a thing as fate and destiny, fatal flaws aren't a thing. You stumble into things, and you do the best you can with them. It's not a fucking failing from within, it's what you have to work with.

And if nobody gives you anything your whole fucking life, if you have to claw for what you've got, and you manage to keep any of it at all, that's a victory.

[she drops her hand, but she keeps her gaze on him.] You aren't destined for failure. You haven't seen all the angles, you've only seen two, maybe three. That's not enough to make a theory out of.

[shaft]

[ He just looks at her for a moment, surprised and... a little troubled. Because he believes everything that she's say, and he's never put much stock in fate or will of the gods, approached things rationally and carefully. Characteristics that had been central to him for so long.

But even now he's struggling to believe it. He's knows it's true, but falls just short of actually believing it. ]

Yeah. [ He'll keep saying it though. Taking these words for himself. ] Is this how you always get back up?

[disreguarded]

[she nods.]

Yeah. It is. [firmly.] It's not always easy to believe, and sometimes I falter with it. But - my friends were the ones that gave me that mindset.

So. [Let me be that friend for you. just for now. until he can believe it himself.]

[shaft]

[ He huffs a little sigh, and smiles. You're more than I could ask for. ]

Thanks. Thanks, I... [ He hesitates a moment, suddenly shy. ] I'm glad to have a friend.

[disreguarded]

[she smiles at him in return, easy enough.]

Don't gotta thank me. But - you're welcome anyway. [there's just a little flicker of a thought, an image of a pile of people breathing slow and easy. friends. Friend.]

[shaft]

[ He's going to... just slump forward onto her shoulder, breathing slowly.

That image is nice, sparking a bit of hope in his chest. A reminder that bonds heal as much as they hurt. ]

If we ever get out of here, I might actually miss you, Beauregard.

[disreguarded]

[that makes her laugh, actually, even as she's bringing her hand up to rest against the back of his head.]

Might? Asshole. [but it's affectionate, and she's teasing.] Move to Winter at the last second so you can come see me when we win.

[this is also a joke. she absently pets at his hair.]